stuff but not too much shit

So....

I love you, you know this. I love you in a way i never thought possible. A complete way that makes things feel right, warm and comfortable.

I am doing my best to be strong and keep on going, its difficult as much for me as for you.

You love me

You want me

You want the future we talk about

but you are doing the brave thing and making sure it is right, making sure you are right, making sure I am right, making sure the future we will have together is the way it should be.

I love the tingle of your touch, the warm softness of your lips and the way you gently move into me when we kiss.

I have got to keep going, be patient and get on with things. I'm a catch and you are going to have to catch me again. I;m looking forward to being chased

xxxxxxxx

eyes

Eyes can't lie

For that reason when you looked me in the eyes last night and told me that you would fight for me and that you wanted me, I could do nothing but believe you. I am now faintly scared for the person if there is one that you will fight. They don't have a chance.

up and down and up again

gut wrenching despair and anguish to the glowing inner warmth.....extremes of a scale.

that's life?...

that's how it has to be?

life is full of give and takes, we have to do both to allow ourselves to grow and develop. Karli has told me millions of times that I need to think about me and take more for myself.

I'm me....I am doing the thing i want to do most in the world, i am living in a beautiful house and I have a circle of friends across the world who I can rely on and trust. I am in a better position in my life that I have ever been before and it has taken me a long time to get here. Nothing has been easy and nothing has been simple. I've met the one, the woman i will spend the rest of my life with. Free-spirited, stubborn, beautiful and creative bundled up into a wonderful package of care and compassion. But she isn't ready, she hasn't had the opportunities I have had to find out who she is.

There are glimpses of the independence showing through and I like what I see. There is an issue but that is me, patience. Something I don't necessarily have large amounts of. Last week taught us both that we are deeply in love and in times of need, there isn't any one else that the two of us want.

The wedding was amazing, the lovely warmth that was there exuding from our friendship and the closeness was developing again. Not necessarily the closeness of a full on relationship but that of a friendship that is deep and rewarding.

Whether we rushed into living together or met slightly too early can not be helped. We met each other on that one in a million chance and found the person we want to spend our lives with. Neither of us were looking for this and neither of us expected that things would be as good as they were, scary? hell yeah! rewarding and wonderful? oh yes. Regrets? none.

This was a full on grown-up relationship, different from anything either of us has had before. Makes it scary, makes it uncharted territory, makes it intense.

I here as your best friend forever. I want you to fight your fucking arse off to get me back. You are going to have to. Whether it takes, months or years I don't care.

I

want to be the one that you turn to
want to be the one that is there for you
want to be there to hold you when you are scared
want to be there when you succeed
want to tell you I love you every day
want to be there till we are both grey and saggy
want to be there to say goodnight to you every night
want to wake up with you each morning
want every text message to come from you
want to hold hands with you while we sit
want to watch you sleeping peacefully next to me
want you to stop hurting
want to be the only person you ever love
want to be the only person that ever touches you
want to be the person you kiss for the rest of your life
want to play you at excite truck till be roll about in tears of laughter
want to have puppies together, biting our toes as we lie in bed
want to open a new chapter of our lives together
want to have your shoulder to cry on when I am low
want to cook you steak when you need it
want to run away from your stinky Sunday lunch farts
want to give kitten the best chew toy ever
want to be yours forever
want to shout at masterchef with you
want to watch you nearly complete Assassins creed again
want to love you even more than I already do
want you to be the strong and independent person I know you are
want to give you that week I promised
want to take that picture of our hand holding each other
want to hold you till you fall asleep

want to be yours

Answer

I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

Life

Im getting on

not doing anything but subsisting, nothing has the same colour or warmth that it had.

I miss her completely, i miss the warmth of her in bed next to me, the touch of her soft lips on mine and the knowledge that she is mine. Waking up from a bad dream, there is no one next to me to comfort me and I hate it.

I want to hug her, hold her be hers.

We are getting on better than we have in ages, the pressure is off and it has allowed us both to open back up. I find myself wanting her more, having fun like we used to.

I want her

The rules and where i went wrong

Don't take any of this personally. It really has nothing to do with you. Your partner's depression is coloring his perceptions of everything, including you and your relationship. If you keep this in mind, you're more likely to hold onto your own sanity.

Well I took everything personally so this was crap from the start

You have to keep your own needs in mind. It's probably a good idea for you to get into short-term therapy to deal with the frustration and anger that you might feel in dealing with your partner's depression.
My biggest fault, I care and I want others to be ok, generally putting them before me

Recognize that any "out of the blue" decision to end the relationship is probably due to the depression. Your partner is either thinking that you'd be better off without her, or is just hopeless overall about the success of anything, including your relationship. Encourage her to put any major decisions on hold while she's depressed.
Not sure about this one, it wasn't necessarily out of the blue and it was needed

If your partner is not resistant to the idea of seeing a doctor, but hasn't gone ahead and made an appointment, then you should take the initiative. The lethargy that accompanies depression could keep your partner from moving forward on treatment.
There was little resistance but i think i put too much hope on the doctor making everything ok

Don't cross the line between caretaking and enabling. Continually putting your partner's needs before your own will not do either one of you any good.
I crossed that line and had no one to help me, there was a degree of jealousy that I wasn't getting looked after but Rach was

Your partner may display jealousy for the first time in your relationship. Jealously comes from poor self image, and depression is destroying your partner's self-image, even if it was always healthy before.
It was there and I'm not sure I realised what was behind it.

Don't feel guilty. Don't feel like a failure. Again, this has nothing to do with you.
Catholics are not the only people who feel guilty, I can't help but feel i have failed to help her, failed to make the relationship work, failed to be the person she needed and not the person I think she needed.

stuff and shit

I dont know

The rational part of my brain tells me that this is exactly what both of us needed. It was evident even last night, the pressure on both of us to make the other happy is ridiculous. I'm pretty certain that the pressure isn't coming from the other partner but ourselves. That isn't healthy for our sanity or the relationship.

Seeing rachael happy would be the best thing possible, losing her from life completely would be the worst. If friends is what is takes to ge the happiness that was there when i met her than that is what i can give her. I can't really imagine a life without her, and when i think about it, it gets upsetting.

The irrational part is the one that is hardest to deal with

It's very difficult to keep my love for her hidden, last nigth was a perfect example. Standing in the kitchen, both of us with our arms crossed because we were fighting the urge to touch or hold the other.

The simplest thing that would make me so happy would be to hold her hand.

incomplete

Without you within me i can't find no rest where i'm going is anybody's guess

I tried to go on like i never knew you, i'm awake but my world is half asleep, i pray for this heart to be unbroken but without you all i'm going to be is incomplete

voices tell me i should carry on but i am swimming in an ocean all alone, my lady its written on your face, you still wonder if we've made a big mistake.

i don't mean to drag it on but i cant seem to let you go, i don't want to make you face this world alone

I won't to let you go

life has to go on but in a slightly different colour

The thoughts of "after" are stronger. I am and since the day I met Rach, have been committed 100% to Rach. I realise things have been shit and pretty non-existent between us recently but this doesn't make it any easier.

She is being honest and her intentions are right. She is trying to protect me from getting hurt in the long run. I know she is going to be the person she wants to be when she comes out the other side of this but her thoughts about me may well change. I am pretty certain she is committed to me as much as I am to her and this is shown by how difficult a situation we find ourselves in.

What do I do?

I can't just stop feeling the way for her that I do. The strength of my love and feeling is not easily switched off.

I can't see past what is going on right now and I don't think I will for a while.

All I see and all I know is my feelings for Rach and how I just want to be with her.

It would kill me to see her with someone else whether we are just on a break or split up for good.

The most upsetting thing s thinking how my mum will react. I can't tell her, it would devastate her. I want to go to the Wedding with Rach and only as friends

Being friends is the only option right now, we were not much more than that before this happened and had lost our way somewhat.

Once the pain goes away, I think things will be better. The underlying friendship and love wont have gone. If it is the right relationship then it will happen

I like the idea of Rach fighting for me (and kitten)...

hmmm

Well, I things couldn't be perfect forever

Rach has ended things although only on a temporary basis, I am devastated and it s difficult to cope. I understand why she has done it and what she wants to get out of the situation but it hurts not to call her my girlfriend. Right now it is difficult to put aside feelings of dread ad abandonment and I am on the edge of tears all the time. Sometimes I just want to hug her and give her a kiss, other times I can't believe that she has done it.

I know I can cope with her taking her independence back, it is something that needs to happen, what I am struggling with is not even having the option to be hers. I can't bring myself to tell my mum as I know it will break her heart even more than it has done mine.

What do I do? Gina says I have to patient and I know this is the write thing. Ultimately Rach will be a happier stronger person coming out of this and that can only be a good thing. Until then though I just have to struggle on. She still wears my ring and I never want that to stop.

I am always going to be hers and I will be waiting on the other side for her. It would kill me to see her go and find someone else and I think this is the thing I am most scared of. I know she loves me and won't ever stop loving me but what after the independence, she doesn't want me?

Its a stupid little thought that won't go away

I love her

x

Back to me

I'm training and playing a lot more cricket again. Watching all the reports about the world cup in Australia made me long for those days again, playing abroad and to the highest possibly standard i could. I couldn't have played for England I don't think, once was good. Getting the cap and the photograph fulfilled everything i wanted. 

It has made me think about the future, Coaching and Development would be a wonderful way to earn a living and I enjoyed it so much in NZ. Bringing up the next lot of quality players would be great.

I have missed playing, missed training and love it again. I feel healthier, happier and less stressed. It gives me a complete opposite to focus on when I am not at university and I love it. I am looking forward to playing with Caz again though some of the opposition may cause aggravation. 

We shall see how things go this season but I think i am a player who enjoys i more, has more time and understands how it is only a part of my life not the whole of it. I am in love with the most wonderful women possible and what's more we have each other. Cricket takes away the frustration and makes me relax to the person I think she fell for, not the stupid corporate banker one who is rushed all the time.

it was a  lovely sunny day on Monday and a bank holiday to boot. The kitten loves the garden and i too a few pictures of her hiding in the undergrowth

Lovelies from a lovely

healthy goodness

RBS - The root of all evil?

The banks have collapsed though the inherent greed of man. Watching the four head of banks grilled by the select committee was uncomfortable. Apologies are fine but without any sort of action to back it up they are hollow.

I work for RBS, i have done for the past two years and will do for the next twenty five days. I was proud to work at such a big institution, i was happy with my job and knew i was in a successful and nurturing organisation. 

What changed? someone thought that the nice comfortable yet limited profitability of the UK was not enough. 

Why not take over the world? there is loads more money there.....isn't there?

simply put no, its gone. the perceived wealth that the world had has gone. the fake money that was abound has vanished. 

whether it has been poor decisions or unpredictable circumstances, there is one factor that wasn't necessarily approached by the committee....Greed. why did the board of the bank push to take over he dutch bank? more money. why did the board ask its investment arm to take riskier decisions? money.

who was the little voice saying hang on? No one

I am the lucky one, leaving the bank by choice. I am certain that others will not get this chance. I have watched people who have worked for the bank for over twenty years begin to lose faith. Thinking that they were in the place that supported them only to wind up losing every investment they made in shares. 

A man a year from retirement is now looking at a pot of shares that has reduced in value ten fold. How does he keep working for the bank? Faith, a commodity that has no value but means so much. a commodity the bank is running low on.

b o ooooring

sat blogging in a teaching session for internet banking....i have spent two years working on this already why more!!!?!!?!?!?


somebody help me

YES YES YES YES

i got offered the phd today

I am so happy!

yes yes yes

ups and down

wow

day of ups and downs

you see the title of the email saying phd studentship and you think it is the one you have been waiting for telling you that yes you are going to start your phd in a couple of months.

but no ....it says one of the references hasnt got back and one is too short!!!! grrrrrrrr....now what.?!!?!?!?

a mad panic and a check on all the people that i made an impression on at uni to ask ..nay plead for a reference as soon as possible!!!

YES....two agree....one sends one through straight away.....

does asking fro references mean they are interested? or are they doing it for everyone?

no its becasue they want me and they need to go by the book!

positivity

you would be a perfect fit in here

you have all the qualities we are looking for

its an informal interview just to find out about you

such a positive vibe after talking to her at the end

Sunday

an angry day full of mini irritations building into one large anger monster

I know that i am impatient and waiting for the phd decision is getting to me. I had built it up to happen on friday and it didnt.........the negative thoughts really crept in and are hard to stop

welcome

hello

as ruth has always told me it is cathartic to write about yourself and he situations in which you find yourself. It is an outlet for all those stinky little thoughts that build up in your head an make things seem crappy.

I am going to try and use this space, not to show off how i am doing or build an audience of followers but to help me. I want to express myself, account for my thoughts and generally vent!

enjoy