want to be the one that you turn to
want to be the one that is there for you
want to be there to hold you when you are scared
want to be there when you succeed
want to tell you I love you every day
want to be there till we are both grey and saggy
want to be there to say goodnight to you every night
want to wake up with you each morning
want every text message to come from you
want to hold hands with you while we sit
want to watch you sleeping peacefully next to me
want you to stop hurting
want to be the only person you ever love
want to be the only person that ever touches you
want to be the person you kiss for the rest of your life
want to play you at excite truck till be roll about in tears of laughter
want to have puppies together, biting our toes as we lie in bed
want to open a new chapter of our lives together
want to have your shoulder to cry on when I am low
want to cook you steak when you need it
want to run away from your stinky Sunday lunch farts
want to give kitten the best chew toy ever
want to be yours forever
want to shout at masterchef with you
want to watch you nearly complete Assassins creed again
want to love you even more than I already do
want you to be the strong and independent person I know you are
want to give you that week I promised
want to take that picture of our hand holding each other
want to hold you till you fall asleep
want to be yours
Monday 13 July 2009
Answer
I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Life
Im getting on
not doing anything but subsisting, nothing has the same colour or warmth that it had.
I miss her completely, i miss the warmth of her in bed next to me, the touch of her soft lips on mine and the knowledge that she is mine. Waking up from a bad dream, there is no one next to me to comfort me and I hate it.
I want to hug her, hold her be hers.
We are getting on better than we have in ages, the pressure is off and it has allowed us both to open back up. I find myself wanting her more, having fun like we used to.
I want her
not doing anything but subsisting, nothing has the same colour or warmth that it had.
I miss her completely, i miss the warmth of her in bed next to me, the touch of her soft lips on mine and the knowledge that she is mine. Waking up from a bad dream, there is no one next to me to comfort me and I hate it.
I want to hug her, hold her be hers.
We are getting on better than we have in ages, the pressure is off and it has allowed us both to open back up. I find myself wanting her more, having fun like we used to.
I want her
Wednesday 8 July 2009
The rules and where i went wrong
Don't take any of this personally. It really has nothing to do with you. Your partner's depression is coloring his perceptions of everything, including you and your relationship. If you keep this in mind, you're more likely to hold onto your own sanity.
Well I took everything personally so this was crap from the start
You have to keep your own needs in mind. It's probably a good idea for you to get into short-term therapy to deal with the frustration and anger that you might feel in dealing with your partner's depression.
My biggest fault, I care and I want others to be ok, generally putting them before me
Recognize that any "out of the blue" decision to end the relationship is probably due to the depression. Your partner is either thinking that you'd be better off without her, or is just hopeless overall about the success of anything, including your relationship. Encourage her to put any major decisions on hold while she's depressed.
Not sure about this one, it wasn't necessarily out of the blue and it was needed
If your partner is not resistant to the idea of seeing a doctor, but hasn't gone ahead and made an appointment, then you should take the initiative. The lethargy that accompanies depression could keep your partner from moving forward on treatment.
There was little resistance but i think i put too much hope on the doctor making everything ok
Don't cross the line between caretaking and enabling. Continually putting your partner's needs before your own will not do either one of you any good.
I crossed that line and had no one to help me, there was a degree of jealousy that I wasn't getting looked after but Rach was
Your partner may display jealousy for the first time in your relationship. Jealously comes from poor self image, and depression is destroying your partner's self-image, even if it was always healthy before.
It was there and I'm not sure I realised what was behind it.
Don't feel guilty. Don't feel like a failure. Again, this has nothing to do with you.
Catholics are not the only people who feel guilty, I can't help but feel i have failed to help her, failed to make the relationship work, failed to be the person she needed and not the person I think she needed.
Well I took everything personally so this was crap from the start
You have to keep your own needs in mind. It's probably a good idea for you to get into short-term therapy to deal with the frustration and anger that you might feel in dealing with your partner's depression.
My biggest fault, I care and I want others to be ok, generally putting them before me
Recognize that any "out of the blue" decision to end the relationship is probably due to the depression. Your partner is either thinking that you'd be better off without her, or is just hopeless overall about the success of anything, including your relationship. Encourage her to put any major decisions on hold while she's depressed.
Not sure about this one, it wasn't necessarily out of the blue and it was needed
If your partner is not resistant to the idea of seeing a doctor, but hasn't gone ahead and made an appointment, then you should take the initiative. The lethargy that accompanies depression could keep your partner from moving forward on treatment.
There was little resistance but i think i put too much hope on the doctor making everything ok
Don't cross the line between caretaking and enabling. Continually putting your partner's needs before your own will not do either one of you any good.
I crossed that line and had no one to help me, there was a degree of jealousy that I wasn't getting looked after but Rach was
Your partner may display jealousy for the first time in your relationship. Jealously comes from poor self image, and depression is destroying your partner's self-image, even if it was always healthy before.
It was there and I'm not sure I realised what was behind it.
Don't feel guilty. Don't feel like a failure. Again, this has nothing to do with you.
Catholics are not the only people who feel guilty, I can't help but feel i have failed to help her, failed to make the relationship work, failed to be the person she needed and not the person I think she needed.
stuff and shit
I dont know
The rational part of my brain tells me that this is exactly what both of us needed. It was evident even last night, the pressure on both of us to make the other happy is ridiculous. I'm pretty certain that the pressure isn't coming from the other partner but ourselves. That isn't healthy for our sanity or the relationship.
Seeing rachael happy would be the best thing possible, losing her from life completely would be the worst. If friends is what is takes to ge the happiness that was there when i met her than that is what i can give her. I can't really imagine a life without her, and when i think about it, it gets upsetting.
The irrational part is the one that is hardest to deal with
It's very difficult to keep my love for her hidden, last nigth was a perfect example. Standing in the kitchen, both of us with our arms crossed because we were fighting the urge to touch or hold the other.
The simplest thing that would make me so happy would be to hold her hand.
The rational part of my brain tells me that this is exactly what both of us needed. It was evident even last night, the pressure on both of us to make the other happy is ridiculous. I'm pretty certain that the pressure isn't coming from the other partner but ourselves. That isn't healthy for our sanity or the relationship.
Seeing rachael happy would be the best thing possible, losing her from life completely would be the worst. If friends is what is takes to ge the happiness that was there when i met her than that is what i can give her. I can't really imagine a life without her, and when i think about it, it gets upsetting.
The irrational part is the one that is hardest to deal with
It's very difficult to keep my love for her hidden, last nigth was a perfect example. Standing in the kitchen, both of us with our arms crossed because we were fighting the urge to touch or hold the other.
The simplest thing that would make me so happy would be to hold her hand.
incomplete
Without you within me i can't find no rest where i'm going is anybody's guess
I tried to go on like i never knew you, i'm awake but my world is half asleep, i pray for this heart to be unbroken but without you all i'm going to be is incomplete
voices tell me i should carry on but i am swimming in an ocean all alone, my lady its written on your face, you still wonder if we've made a big mistake.
i don't mean to drag it on but i cant seem to let you go, i don't want to make you face this world alone
I won't to let you go
I tried to go on like i never knew you, i'm awake but my world is half asleep, i pray for this heart to be unbroken but without you all i'm going to be is incomplete
voices tell me i should carry on but i am swimming in an ocean all alone, my lady its written on your face, you still wonder if we've made a big mistake.
i don't mean to drag it on but i cant seem to let you go, i don't want to make you face this world alone
I won't to let you go
Tuesday 7 July 2009
life has to go on but in a slightly different colour
The thoughts of "after" are stronger. I am and since the day I met Rach, have been committed 100% to Rach. I realise things have been shit and pretty non-existent between us recently but this doesn't make it any easier.
She is being honest and her intentions are right. She is trying to protect me from getting hurt in the long run. I know she is going to be the person she wants to be when she comes out the other side of this but her thoughts about me may well change. I am pretty certain she is committed to me as much as I am to her and this is shown by how difficult a situation we find ourselves in.
What do I do?
I can't just stop feeling the way for her that I do. The strength of my love and feeling is not easily switched off.
I can't see past what is going on right now and I don't think I will for a while.
All I see and all I know is my feelings for Rach and how I just want to be with her.
It would kill me to see her with someone else whether we are just on a break or split up for good.
The most upsetting thing s thinking how my mum will react. I can't tell her, it would devastate her. I want to go to the Wedding with Rach and only as friends
Being friends is the only option right now, we were not much more than that before this happened and had lost our way somewhat.
Once the pain goes away, I think things will be better. The underlying friendship and love wont have gone. If it is the right relationship then it will happen
I like the idea of Rach fighting for me (and kitten)...
She is being honest and her intentions are right. She is trying to protect me from getting hurt in the long run. I know she is going to be the person she wants to be when she comes out the other side of this but her thoughts about me may well change. I am pretty certain she is committed to me as much as I am to her and this is shown by how difficult a situation we find ourselves in.
What do I do?
I can't just stop feeling the way for her that I do. The strength of my love and feeling is not easily switched off.
I can't see past what is going on right now and I don't think I will for a while.
All I see and all I know is my feelings for Rach and how I just want to be with her.
It would kill me to see her with someone else whether we are just on a break or split up for good.
The most upsetting thing s thinking how my mum will react. I can't tell her, it would devastate her. I want to go to the Wedding with Rach and only as friends
Being friends is the only option right now, we were not much more than that before this happened and had lost our way somewhat.
Once the pain goes away, I think things will be better. The underlying friendship and love wont have gone. If it is the right relationship then it will happen
I like the idea of Rach fighting for me (and kitten)...
Saturday 4 July 2009
hmmm
Well, I things couldn't be perfect forever
Rach has ended things although only on a temporary basis, I am devastated and it s difficult to cope. I understand why she has done it and what she wants to get out of the situation but it hurts not to call her my girlfriend. Right now it is difficult to put aside feelings of dread ad abandonment and I am on the edge of tears all the time. Sometimes I just want to hug her and give her a kiss, other times I can't believe that she has done it.
I know I can cope with her taking her independence back, it is something that needs to happen, what I am struggling with is not even having the option to be hers. I can't bring myself to tell my mum as I know it will break her heart even more than it has done mine.
What do I do? Gina says I have to patient and I know this is the write thing. Ultimately Rach will be a happier stronger person coming out of this and that can only be a good thing. Until then though I just have to struggle on. She still wears my ring and I never want that to stop.
I am always going to be hers and I will be waiting on the other side for her. It would kill me to see her go and find someone else and I think this is the thing I am most scared of. I know she loves me and won't ever stop loving me but what after the independence, she doesn't want me?
Its a stupid little thought that won't go away
I love her
x
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